Introspection is Healthy

My therapist read several of my blog posts, and we had an interesting discussion about it. He wondered if it was such a good idea to be so forthcoming about my disease and what I feel, and whether there may be some negative ramifications as a result of putting so much of myself out there for public consumption.

I told him I really don’t give a damn, as long as I enlightened people about what it is like to suffer with bipolar disorder, an uncontrollable rage that threatened all my relationships, an abusive childhood that nearly destroyed my spirit and ripped me of my self-esteem at a very tender, young age, and on top of it all, the complete alienation from my family.

Everybody has an epiphany in life—that moment when they realize something so completely honest and true that it forever changes them. That moment came to me when I just turned thirty, was living in San Diego, my career as a tile setter was ending because my back and my knees couldn’t take it anymore, and I was standing at the bar of The Old Ocean Beach Café next to two women having a conversation about men.

One woman said to the other, “If a man doesn’t have his shit together by the time he is thirty, it’s never going to happen.” Those words were like a slap in the face and a very rude wakeup call. Within a month I sold all my tools, my truck, gave up my apartment, moved to Philadelphia and enrolled in Temple University’s School of Journalism.

There was no way in hell I was going to go through four years of college, so I got special permission from the Dean to average 21 credits per semester. I made the Dean’s List almost every semester, and graduated Cum Laude in two years, but I had to take classes through the summers, and I hardly ever slept. I was also able to transfer credits from several classes I had taken at Mesa Community College in San Diego.

Temple University’s School of Journalism is topnotch, and it brought my writing to a whole new level. I am glad I did it; without it I would not be where I am today. I remember once I was dating a woman who broke up with me because she told me that I had been broken and that I could never be fixed. Perhaps she was right. I am broken. In some areas I am completely shattered. But isn’t that what makes me unique and special?

I am forever working on self-improvement through honest introspection and therapy. My writing is an endless journey of self-exploration and the examination of human nature in its rawest form. Some find it offensive; others find it fascinating. I just try to be honest in everything I endeavor.

Love to you all!

James M. Weil