Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Controlling my Impulses

One of the biggest problems I have with bipolar disorder is controlling my impulses. When I start to move up on my scale, I make comments on Facebook and other social networking sites that I always regret.

Sometimes these posts are made in anger, other times I make idiotic comments about suicide that scare the hell out of my friends. Thankfully the latter is rare, because most times I am not suicidal, even though when I slip into a really deep depression I have prevalent thoughts of suicide.

But, throughout all my bouts with depression I have never once attempted suicide, and many of these depressions have lasted for months at a time. I remember one depression that was so debilitating that every morning while waiting for the train I would actually debate whether I should throw myself off the platform in front of an oncoming train.

I told my doctor about these thoughts, and several times he thought about hospitalizing me, but I convinced him that these thoughts were simply a product of my disease, and that I had no intentions of following through with them.

Despite the severity of this depression, and how utterly miserable I was, I still got up every day and went to my job. My boss kept me busy, and I was able to focus on my work and produce very well.

Lately, things have changed. I am unable to produce, and my depression is so debilitating I can’t get out of bed for days. Now, this boggles my mind because I have so much to be thankful for. Swiss Chocolate is doing relatively well, and I have two book events lined up, one of them at a huge Barnes & Noble at the Palisades Mall in West Nyack, NY. This is a major event because this store gets an amazing amount of traffic.

Today I am seeing both my psychiatrist and therapist. I need to figure out what’s causing this depression and perhaps make some adjustments to my meds. As far as my impulses are concerned, I need to take a deep breath and think before I post anything on Facebook and create problems for myself and alienate my friends.

My blog is a much safer forum for me because I have the opportunity to really think about what I am writing before I publish my post. As my good friend and editor, Susan Mary Malone, told me, Facebook is much more dangerous because everything is so immediate, and I can blast out a post off the top of my head without thinking about the consequences.

Love to all!

James M. Weil

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