Sunday, May 8, 2011

Sinking Into the Maelstrom of Madness

What do you do when your whole life is spinning out of control, and no matter how hard you try you cannot keep your emotions in check? Imagine the horror of ripping people’s reputations to pieces because of some uncontrollable rage that takes control over your impulses.
And what makes it even more horrifying is that you are aware of the damage you are causing as you are doing all this, but simply cannot stop yourself from what you are doing. This has been an ongoing problem with me for quite some time, and I have alienated so many friends who have witnessed my horrific actions.

Trust me, these things make it very hard for me to live with myself. People know me as a generous, kind, and loving individual, but when I go into mania or one of my debilitating depressions, I become extremely unstable and capable of exploding into torrents of anger, making me feel that my disease is progressing. My doctor is constantly jacking up my medication and making adjustments, but there are times when I still I cannot control all this self-destructive behavior. Sometimes I feel like a sinking ship that is about to go under.

I need a lifeline to grab onto. I need to spend more time with my children. They are only ones that keep me happy, and I know that Samantha is proud of me and loves me. Andrew loves spending time with me and taking trips down to the city, which we will do later this afternoon, unless it rains.
Other than that, there are so many that are pissed at me right now because of my last manic episode, which quickly swung into a deep depression. Unless they know what it is like to suffer from a disease as debilitating and destructive as bipolar disorder, they don’t know what it’s like to feel as though your life is being ripped to shreds.

Believe me, there are times when I feel as though living with this disease is not worth the effort. It brings nothing but guilt, pain and an incredible feeling of self-hatred at times. Not even my friends understand me anymore, and even one of my best friends is pissed at me for something I did on Facebook.
I have so many responsibilities, and I desperately need to keep things together. Thankfully these fits of rage and depression are not my normal state of mind, and I can usually function rather well. But every so often I do go over the edge, and I must continue pressing on, battling a disease that ravages my psyche. It is a battle that rages within me everyday, and it takes courage, strength and conviction to keep it at bay, as well as the right combination of medication, which constantly needs to be adujusted. I am a fighter, and I will not let this disease get the best of me. There is simply too much to lose and too much to live for.

My battle with bipolar disorder reminds me of a quote by one of the greatest thinkers of the 19th Century. "One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Love to all!

James M. Weil

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