Thursday, May 26, 2011

Taking Responsibility

There are times when living with bipolar disorder becomes so unbearable it seems like it is not worth the effort. My doctor and therapist are working hard with me to keep me stable and focused, but beyond suffering from just bipolar disorder, I am plagued with horrible demons that tear at my soul from an abusive childhood.

The combination of these two factors makes it difficult for others to deal with me at times, and I have to admit there are times I don’t like dealing with myself either. I have done things that I am not proud of. I have hurt those who I have loved with all my heart, only because they didn’t love me the way I wanted and rejected me. I have a tendency to lash out at those who have hurt me or who I feel have done me wrong with viscous words and actions.

Much of this has to do with how I was raised and what I endured as a child, but my instability of suffering from bipolar disorder doesn’t help much either. Really what it boils down to is choices. With enough self-discipline and focus I can choose how I want to react to certain situations without causing so much damage. That’s the God’s honest truth. There comes a time when a man must take responsibility for his actions, no matter what obstacles he faces in life.

Although I suffer from a debilitating mental disease, things could be far worse. I could be stricken with cancer of some other life-threatening disease. Instead, I simply need to ride out the wild mood swings I go into, and hope to God I don’t wreak to much havoc. I have lost several good friends because of some recent manic episodes where I was completely off the rails. Some of these friendships went back for years, and at this point I really don’t know if they can be repaired.

It’s a damn shame when a man throws away all those who are closest to him, only because he can’t control his impulses and is driven by demons from his past, and the instability of a mental disease that can be managed.

Love to all!

James M. Weil

1 comment:

  1. James, for what it's worth, I am rooting for you.

    In my own way I too am fighting demons. And some depression, though I often wonder if it is due to people being a bummer.

    Some family members have rejected me for not being successful in business. But not my late dad who passed away in 1979 just before I graduated from high school in Monmouth county.

    Thus, instead of being judged for who I am - my heart, I was judged for not performing up to expectations that made them proud to talk about me in my former, affluent town on the Jersey Shore, known for producing successful people.

    And my own sisters don't love me. They said so. And when my mother died my younger sister said "Mom never loved you!" Talk about venom. And when I needed them most for comfort they turned on their only brother. I took the high road and didn't respond with mud slinging. And in her own way, my mother loved me. I think.