Monday, May 2, 2011

Weekend Blues

This was a bad weekend. There are times when I think many of my friends can’t deal with me because of my destructiveness when I go into mania or I get angry. Most people live their lives on the surface, meaning they don’t really let on what is going inside their hearts and heads. They build a façade for others to see, never allowing anyone past that for fear of what they might expose.

I live my life completely differently. There is something that drives me to expose all that is going on in my head and heart. For some, that is hard to take. But what makes it most difficult is when I have these moments of anger, and I start lashing out at the world. By attacking Nanette Reiss, the Director of The Oceanic Free Library, on a public forum, I served no purpose except to make myself look bad.

Yes, without question, she blew me off rather rudely, and never responded to any of my messages, nor did she tell me that the library had purchased a copy of Swiss Chocolate and put it on the shelves. So, after exchanging a few Facebook posts she disappeared and blocked me, and I went into a deep depression that lasted pretty much the entire weekend. I have no idea how many hours I slept the last two days, but the only time I got up was to eat and use the bathroom.

I did make a public apology on Facebook, and I also wrote her an apology, which will go out in today’s mail along with my rent. I am depressed because women are not responding to me on, despite the heartfelt, honest messages I send. I guess they are going up to my author page on Amazon and reading my blog posts, which reveal all that I stand for and suffered through as a victim of child abuse and someone who suffers from bipolar disorder. Nobody wants to get involved with someone who has endured that much shit and has been so emotionally damaged.

But what they fail to recognize is that I am a winner. I turned all that pain around and created a lasting work of fiction that actually got published. Very few writers get that honor. I also have a very successful career with the State of New York as a software engineer. Despite everything, I came out on top, and continue to grow as a writer and a human being.

I cannot lie to people and tell them I am not bipolar, because eventually the truth would come out anyway. They don’t need to know it right up front, but it is part of who I am, and although it is a difficult disease to live with, unlike so many who suffer from bipolar I and are on disability, I am strong, determined and live a rather normal life, in that I hold an important job with a lot of responsibility, I am able to crank out great works of fiction when I hit my “zone”, and I do have a strong group of loving friends.

Love to all!

James M. Weil.

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