Rage

My doctor and I discussed my goals that I wanted to achieve from participating in the intensive four-week program for treating personality disorders, and I told him my biggest goal was to finally let go of all this rage that consumes my spirit.

He told me that it was an unreasonable expectation because rage was an integral component of my psyche. It is one of the reasons I was diagnosed with personality disorder. He told me that I would be given the skills to manage it better, but he didn’t realize the extent of my rage until I laid it out for him in detail.

Although I am a completely nonviolent person and have never struck anyone in anger, with the exception of being forced to defend myself on the streets on a couple of occasions, I have extremely violent thoughts several times a day that are filled with so much rage that sometimes I bite down on my lower lip until it bleeds.

When I told my doctor this, he became extremely concerned. He never realized the extent of my rage. At this point I don’t even know what triggers it. It doesn’t have to be anything in particular. It could be an old memory of someone who mistreated me, or someone who recently pissed me off.

I will never act on my thoughts. I would simply never physically hurt another human being in anger, but my anger comes out in so many other destructive ways; namely, the way I treat others. I have a mean streak a mile wide and I do know how to hurt with words.

My question is do I want to spend the rest of my life learning how to deal with so much rage that rips me apart? What will it take to control these extremely powerful emotions that have been a part of my psyche since I was a teenager? Perhaps my best option is to simply say no. Rage is a poison, and with it I will never experience true joy or happiness. The last half of my life will be a battle against a disease I cannot win, and as a result, I will never find peace. The best I can hope for is balance, but true happiness will always be out of reach with all this rage coursing through my psyche. These are serious questions that need to be answered.  My doctor seems to think it's just a condition, like living with diabetes, and that it can be controlled and managed. We'll see. There is a huge difference between a physical ailment and mental disease.

Love to all!

James M. Weil